@helmerroids "The fingers you use to play hockey are too fat. To obtain a special playing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now."
— Christina Roberts (@franzenmuth) December 17, 2013
@franzenmuth and now someone just said "radical" Lashoff is not going to be pleased. That's his thing that he says!!
— Sara Solstice (@helmerroids) December 18, 2013
It continued into today, and I finally got up the creative nerve to mash up The Simpsons episode "Lemon of Troy" with Red Wings hockey. Now, it's not going to be the episode in its entirety, but rather scenes that work with the Wings' situation right now.This isn't supposed to make sense from scene to scene, though the characters stay the same. Just enjoy the nerdiness.
If you aren't a huge Simpsons nerd, you may not get much out of this. If you are and you love hockey...welcome, my new best friend(s). And enjoy "Lemon of De-Troy-t."
Datsyuk: You know, Hank, I've been thinking: this team ain't so bad. Good teammates, lots of goals, numerous Stanley Cup sightings... when you get right down to it, Detroit's a pretty cool place to play hockey.
Hockey fates: Detroit sucks!
Datsyuk: Hey! Stop talking bad about my team!
Fates: Why don't you make me?!
Datsyuk: I don't take trash out, I deke around it.
----
Kronwall: EVERYBODY COME QUICK! SOMETHING'S HAPPENED! NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!
[Everyone rushes out]
Coaching staff: No, players, no! Your health is important... groin injuries...etcetera... well, I tried.
----
Datsyuk: Half our team is injured! We've got to get them back!
Mrazek: You mean going on IR? We'll never make it out alive...
Datsyuk: Those players are a part of our team and as hockey players, the backbone of our roster. We'll get them back or choke Detroit's river with our dead!
----
 |
| Babcock and Holland |
Datsyuk: Coach, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. And now, I am going to teach some kids a lesson.
Babcock: I choose to take that literally!
Datsyuk: DEATH TO INJURED RESERVE!!!
Holland: Yes, Pavel is a hockey tutor now. Tute on, Pavel! Tute on!
----
Datsyuk: Okay, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Lashoff is my loyal sidekick, Kronwall is the tough guy, Ericsson is the smart guy, and Smith is the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy. And now, the time has come to cross this line into mystery and danger...to step out of childhood hockey and become men.
---
Babcock: It's almost practice time. Do you know where Datsyuk is tutoring?
Nyquist: Pfff, tutoring? The only thing Pavs is teaching is guerilla combat on the IR.
Babcock: ...Well...do you have a number where we can reach him?
Nyquist: No! Babs! Datsyuk and some other guys ran off to wage war on the injured reserve!
Babcock: [gasps] KEN! COME QUICK! DATSYUK QUIT HIS TUTORING JOB AND JOINED A VIOLENCE GANG!
----
Ericsson: Okay, piglet, start squealing! Why are you on the IR?!
Tootoo: Uhh...I'm not on the IR. You guys waived me and I play on the Griffins now!
Eaves: Hey! Nobody hassles my Griffins teammate!
Ericsson: Hey! And no one manhandles the bosom chum of Niklas Kronwall!
[Kronwall appears]
Kronwall: Aww, geez... I never hang out with him, normally. [He pulls Eaves off Ericsson]
Ericsson: Hark to the tale of Kronwall
And the teammate he loved so dear!
They remained the best of pairings
For years and years and years!
----
Datsyuk: It's no use, Lashoff. If we're going to get our injured players back, I've got to go undercover.
[walks up to injured players]
Datsyuk: Hello there, fellow IR players!
Weiss: Wait a minute, if you're on the IR, how come we've never seen you?
Datsyuk: I just got here.
Weiss: Oh, story checks out...
[Zetterberg arrives]
Zetterberg: We just got work there's non-injured players here!
Datsyuk: Curse those healthy, handsome devils!
Zetterberg: We're going up to the Joe rafters to paint "Healthy Players Suck" in huge letters. That way, whenever they look up at their banners, they will realize that they suck!
Weiss: Ho ho, radical!
Lashoff: [over walkie talkie] QUIT COPYING ME!
Zetterberg: You know...I wish there was a healthy player here right now. I'd fill his mouth with stinkbugs!
Datsyuk: NOT IN MY MOUTH!...is what the kid would say! To the Joe!
----
Lashoff: We'll never get our players back now!
Datsyuk: Keep your voices down, boys: we didn't come this far to get found out.
Holland: [from the bushes] FOUND 'EM! You guys are in big trouble, running away from practice like this!
Datsyuk: But the IR has half our team!
Holland: I don't care what excuse you've got! Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech! You're gonna--HALF OUR TEAM?!
----
There are plenty of hilarious parts I missed, but in the spur of the moment writing, I couldn't come up with anything super hilarious, so I opted to not include it.
Hopefully at least a handful of you people enjoyed it and this wasn't simply for my own amusement...
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